I know I didn’t leave much time or space for you. I let the kid’s activities run our schedules. I’ve been expecting this day to come for a long time. One day you come home from work (at the right time for once). Maybe you are thinking of having a talk with your spouse to let them know or break it off. I’d guess there is a sense of foreboding that follows you throughout the day. You know that there is no way whatsoever that you can have been found out. Whatever you’ve done, you’ve been very careful. Maybe you’ve accused your spouse of sneaking around in your phone so you’ve changed the passcode.

You named the other person a co-worker in your phone so that your spouse doesn’t get suspicious if a message comes through. You’ve only met the other person at conferences. You’ve been very careful about how you’ve done it. Really put yourself in that mental headspace. Imagine you’ve been cheating on your spouse. I believe that the typical person can imagine cheating on a significant other whether or not they can imagine robbing somebody at gun point or raping a child. As an optimist who is not investigating those people, I prefer to think that they are morally repulsed by the suggestion rather than discomfited by some other aspect of the instruction. When I talk to co-workers about this, I tell them, “Imagine you’ve been cheating on your spouse.” I get lots of responses to this. As a person investigating these offenders, you have to really accept that the crimes happen and that their impact on the offender drives their response. I believe that crimes against persons are weightier for the offender. 16 BAC, but they haven’t committed an armed robbery. Maybe they snorted a line of cocaine in college (a crime because we say it is), but they haven’t raped anyone (a crime because it’s universally repugnant). They think, “I would never confess to a felony!” One of the reasons they think this way is because they haven’t committed any felonies against others. When people don’t do the direct positive confrontation correctly, I think it is largely because they don’t trust the process.

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